Ramblings 2: Schrodinger's cat and Wavering thoughts

So, I lost my poem. I had thought of it a couple of days ago and had written it on my laptop. The dumbass me is so dumb that I forgot to save it. I put the laptop on sleep later that evening and the wrecked machine ran out of power and eventually got turned off which flushed my poem with it. I feel so bad about it.

It was another dark poem about uncertainty and the only word that I can remember now is Schrodinger's cat. Weird. I was in such a great flow that day that I penned eight lines in no time. It felt really good and I was looking to make it better. I should have stayed content and be done with it.

I am regretting that now 'cause I want to do something creative but I have no idea what to do. Kind of feels like a blockage. I thought about drafting a piece on comparison between Rishabh Pant and Sanju Samson but I threw it in the bin as I felt to write something personal and maybe philosophical.

Talking of philosophy, I have been wavering between being at the top of the world at once finding the zest for life and feeling unworthy and pathetic about myself. I tried to make sense of it. Though my constant philosophy about life is it's a never ending suffering where we try to find occasional highs that hardly last, this desire to have a love for this wretched life has muddled with it.

I have been in this negative space for quite some time that I got used to it but I don't want to be so. I see people being happy and joyous and I yearn for it. I even tried to find out why I am so. I am too self-aware. The constant negative space has made me compatible with it. The lack of anything good happening hasn't helped as well. Despite that, I try to enjoy my life. I got a good job. I am tall. I have a caring family. I have my small circle on whom I can rely on. I mean, I am doing okay in most parts yet I find myself questioning why I am even alive.

I haven't found the answer. I probably never will. This wave of thoughts has a unique pattern. If I start my day on a high
, 90% of the time I end the day on a depressing note. If it's the opposite where I am down and low, I hit a high before going to the bed. There are days when I have been crippled with negative space for the entire day yet the opposite hasn't happened even once. I questioned my friend if he feels this. Surprisingly, he said yes. So, that's a consolation that I am not alone.

So, where were we? I lost my poem. I have been having wavering thoughts about life and the feeling of highs and lows is constantly changing.

Well, I guess I made an article out of it. Thanks for reading.