Fearing the unexpected call
I dread death, not my own but that of my loved ones.
I live alone and away from my parents. Both are aged and my dad has been fighting illness after illness for many years now. Thanks to his resilient heart and modern medicine, he's still alive. I'll need at least 8 hours to reach them in case of any emergency. I shouldn't but I worry any call that I receive might be about the death of one of them. It has been running on my mind for several years now. I used to talk to my mom only once a day every night. So, when I get any call early in the morning from her, I fret. I also worry when they don't send their usual good mornings.
To me death is a gradual removal of a person's memories from our thoughts. It's a long painful process. "Etched in our heart forever" is a myth. With time, everyone erodes and the pain and guilt that comes with when you realise you have forgotten your loved ones with time, the one that has been a big part of lives, is incredibly hard to live with.
The horrific part about death is, any conversation that you have can be your last with the person. You wouldn't mean to hurt them but it could turn out to be the last thing you said and you have to live with the fact that you hurt them before they left you. Maybe, that's why they say to be cautious with the words you use.
To know how deep I have been thinking about, I have tried speculating what I would do if I were to receive any such bad news. Unfortunately, I don't have that strong of a heart and I crumble every time I think about it.
A similar thing happened when I was in college. The dad of one of my friends (he was a hosteller) passed away. To reduce the pain, we lied to him saying something else to make him go. I still don't know if he knew about that. I guess it was the trigger moment that made me anxious about my own.
Death is horrible. You can never predict and be prepared, regardless of how strong you may portray yourself. It breaks you and you will crumble to pieces. Dreading the day the death might knock on my door.
